Decisions & Dilemmas

Ok, so I’ve been delaying this post simply because I keep changing my mind. Yesterday my mind had made a decision on how to feel and now today I’m not so sure…maybe writing it all out will let me finally settle on one path. Then again maybe I’m not meant to follow just one part on this issue, Allah knows best. Here goes nothing.

My cowife… –sigh– So last time I wrote about us she had stopped talking to me all of sudden. I gave her plenty of space and decided to just let her be and come around again whenever she was ready and wanted to. After a while she did actually come around. We started talking again and hanging out and it was nice. It was, what I thought, how cowives should interact. I know I’m new to this and I don’t have any experience on what should be done or should not but you know, two people who will be in each others live should get along. Even though I shouldn’t have been, I was surprised, and hurt, when she disappeared again. I did the same thing, I gave her time and space and let her be. Well, she came back and again same thing, we talked, got together and had a great time. I never treated her any different when she would come back, it would just kind of like pick up right where we left off. I feel like I’m in a relationship with this woman and I guess I kind of am in a way. A cowife type of relationship whatever that is….Well guess what? She’s gone again. Just like that. One day she’s here, the next she’s gone. I never know with her and to be honest I was upset at first but not anymore because you know why? Because this is NOT ABOUT ME (directly). Her actions are a direct correlation to her emotions, just like a roller coaster going up and down. I can see how she can like me (or at least try to like me) one day and then change her mind the next. I don’t blame her, this was not her choice. I wrote yesterday how I chose to practice polygyny and how my husband chose to practice but what about her? She didn’t have a choice and I know that is a huge bulk of the reason of why she acts the way she does. I will never, ever know what she is going through. I know that, I get that. Still, I want to be there for her, comfort her, and I really do care about her despite the fact that I am (indirectly) the source of her pain. This is my dilemma.

Thinking about all of this over and over again I thought maybe it’s not a good idea that we are friends. The whole cowife relationship thing…maybe it does more harm than good. You know that saying out of sight, out of mind? Maybe that is better… I don’t know, Allah knows best. So yesterday I decided I was just going to roll with it. If she wants to talk to me, alhamdulilah and if she doesn’t want to then alhamdulilah too. Well this morning I really wanted to text her. To tell her that I was sorry for any pain that I cause her. To tell her that if she never wanted to see me or speak to me again that it was ok, that I wouldn’t judge her or be mad at her and if she changed her mind down the road that was ok too. I thought about everything I wanted to say the whole way to work but then when I finally got there I changed my mind again. I didn’t want to text her anymore and I still don’t want to. Reading this post, I really do just want to roll with it. There is nothing that I can say to her that will make the situation any better so I’m just going to be quiet. Bismiallah, decision made, dilemma solved alhamdulilah.

-K

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