Well it happened. Exactly what I promised myself I wouldn’t do if I ever started a blog. I started and then I stopped. While I hate that it happened I do have a good reason kind of..in sha Allah. TOO MANY EMOTIONS. Running wild all over the place from both my cowife and myself. One day she talks to me, one day she doesn’t. One day she has accepted Allah’s plan, the next day she changes her mind. This has now been going on for a while and to be quite honest I am so over it. I love the woman to death, she is my sister in Islam, she is my cowife, I would do anything for her and I have done many things for her. On the same note I can only take so much mind changing. I know a lot of people will not agree with me and that is totally ok, but I need a ride or die cowife. What do I mean by that? I mean that I need her to understand and accept that the reason she is in this situation is only because it’s Allah’s plan. ALLAH and only Allah, not me. I don’t mean to sound harsh or insensitive because that is not who I am. I am a Muslim living in the United States, trying to follow my deen, trying to be a good daughter, sister, wife, etc in an environment constantly surrounded by fitnah and I need my family (I consider her my family even if the feeling is not mutual) to be on board 100% so that we may be successful! Successful = Jannah! Not accepting the situations that Allah places us in does nothing for no one. Obviously my current issue is the fact that my cowife does not want to accept polygyny. She likes me as a person and has told me that I am a great cowife to her, but she cannot accept polygyny. I feel that polygyny and I go hand in hand. I am only one person so naturally as much as she wants to separate me as a person and me as a cowife, its never going to happen. Her not accepting poloygyny is an extension of her not accepting me. If you don’t accept me, then don’t pretend to be my friend and care about me. I told her to not expect me to be there for her if she kept disappearing on me. Then I decided that was not right thing to do. I will be there for her even if she’s not there for me and maybe Allah will reward be for my patience. Rant over. I was not even going to write about that but it just came out alhamdulilah. If there are any other current, past or future cowives out there, PLEASE! send me a message. Let’s talk about whatever issues you’re going through.
Ok, so I’ve been delaying this post simply because I keep changing my mind. Yesterday my mind had made a decision on how to feel and now today I’m not so sure…maybe writing it all out will let me finally settle on one path. Then again maybe I’m not meant to follow just one part on this issue, Allah knows best. Here goes nothing.
My cowife… –sigh– So last time I wrote about us she had stopped talking to me all of sudden. I gave her plenty of space and decided to just let her be and come around again whenever she was ready and wanted to. After a while she did actually come around. We started talking again and hanging out and it was nice. It was, what I thought, how cowives should interact. I know I’m new to this and I don’t have any experience on what should be done or should not but you know, two people who will be in each others live should get along. Even though I shouldn’t have been, I was surprised, and hurt, when she disappeared again. I did the same thing, I gave her time and space and let her be. Well, she came back and again same thing, we talked, got together and had a great time. I never treated her any different when she would come back, it would just kind of like pick up right where we left off. I feel like I’m in a relationship with this woman and I guess I kind of am in a way. A cowife type of relationship whatever that is….Well guess what? She’s gone again. Just like that. One day she’s here, the next she’s gone. I never know with her and to be honest I was upset at first but not anymore because you know why? Because this is NOT ABOUT ME (directly). Her actions are a direct correlation to her emotions, just like a roller coaster going up and down. I can see how she can like me (or at least try to like me) one day and then change her mind the next. I don’t blame her, this was not her choice. I wrote yesterday how I chose to practice polygyny and how my husband chose to practice but what about her? She didn’t have a choice and I know that is a huge bulk of the reason of why she acts the way she does. I will never, ever know what she is going through. I know that, I get that. Still, I want to be there for her, comfort her, and I really do care about her despite the fact that I am (indirectly) the source of her pain. This is my dilemma.
Thinking about all of this over and over again I thought maybe it’s not a good idea that we are friends. The whole cowife relationship thing…maybe it does more harm than good. You know that saying out of sight, out of mind? Maybe that is better… I don’t know, Allah knows best. So yesterday I decided I was just going to roll with it. If she wants to talk to me, alhamdulilah and if she doesn’t want to then alhamdulilah too. Well this morning I really wanted to text her. To tell her that I was sorry for any pain that I cause her. To tell her that if she never wanted to see me or speak to me again that it was ok, that I wouldn’t judge her or be mad at her and if she changed her mind down the road that was ok too. I thought about everything I wanted to say the whole way to work but then when I finally got there I changed my mind again. I didn’t want to text her anymore and I still don’t want to. Reading this post, I really do just want to roll with it. There is nothing that I can say to her that will make the situation any better so I’m just going to be quiet. Bismiallah, decision made, dilemma solved alhamdulilah.
The other morning something very interesting happened. It’s interesting now but I was super pissed off when it happened. My husband called me by my cowife’s name. I crack up now remembering the look on his face. He was telling me to wake up for Fajr but said her name on accident. I know it was not intentional, because his whole demeanor completely changed. His voice, his facial expression, everything. “Wrong wife”, I snapped and threw my side of the covers on top of him, stormed out of bed slamming the door to the restroom behind me. Dramatic exit complete. I was furious! How dare he! Many, many, MANY other nasty thoughts occupied my mind but unbelievably in the midst of my anger I was able to ask myself how important was this to me. Was this important enough to start a war so early in the morning and spend the rest of the day miserable? Was it important enough to utter ugly and hurtful words? Was it important enough to lose my sanity? Would I regret the war later? I was confused and upset and didn’t know how the hell I was going to handle this situation. I started to reason with my nafs, who had already declared war the moment her name was mentioned, and pleaded that it put the weapons down and walk away. I cannot be the only one this has happened to and in reality it’s not that big of a deal right? I mean, the man has been with her for many years and it is possible that his brain was on autopilot. It could have happened to anyone. It could have happened at a worse time. I’ve heard stories about couples being intimate with each other and someone saying a wrong name (and they are not even practicing polygyny!). If that could be forgiven surely this could be. I kept on negotiating until I came to the conclusion that it was an honest mistake and I
could had to be rational and forgive him. It was the right thing to do.
Our beloved Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, taught us that “Not one of you can truly believe if you do not want for your brother what you want for yourself.” (Sahih Bukhari) If I was in his place I would have wanted him to forgive me. Taking a step even further, Do I not wish for Allah to forgive me for my mistakes and have mercy on me? I have to be merciful to others If I want Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala to be merciful to me. I decided that I would not make a big deal about it, I wouldn’t start a war. My nafs was UPSET I chose that route. It took everything I had to face him and smile and tell him that it was ok., that I loved him and that he didn’t have to keep apologizing. He made a mistake plain and simple. This is my husband. He’s not out to get me or do things on purpose to hurt me. It was so hard to remember this in that moment but somehow Allah allowed me to remember.
I still think about what happened. I keep thinking about men who practice polygamy and they way they live separate lives that have all of their own details and happenings. How do they do it? How do they keep everything separated? What about those who have 4 wives? 4 different lives being lived all at the same time. Is there a switch for each wife that is constantly being turned on or off? How do these men not develop mental disorders like multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia? It’s just too much if you really start to think about it. It kind of makes me want to cut my husband a little more slack, kind of but not really because at the end of the day it was still a choice that he made. Men are not forced to practice polygyny, they choose to. I chose to. My cowife…(that’s another story for another post). Anyways, I’m curious to see if any studies have been done about it or at least if anyone has wondered the same thing. Rightly so, a lot of focus is placed on the women involved in polygyny, especially the first wife. I haven’t really came across anything that focuses on the psychological effects of polygyny on the man. It’s times like this I wish people who practice would speak up and share their stories…what better way to learn?
I got a text from cowife yesterday..finally. It was nothing personal, just strictly passing along some beneficial information. I feel like it’s the same as her not contacting me at all. Am I so delusional that I actually thought we were going to be friends? Confession: I want to throw a full-blown temper tantrum on the floor kicking my legs, pounding my fists, the whole bit. I want to tell her ” Why can’t we just be friends??!?!?!?” I want to tell her to get over it. To tell her that I’m not going anywhere and that whether she likes it or not I’m going to be in her life so lets just make the most of it. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh. 😐 There is no way in dunya I’m telling her any of that, but there’s no harm in wishing is there? I know we do not have to be friends. We don’t have to have dinner together or go shopping together, we just have to be respectful towards each other and Allah knows best. I know I’m wanting, asking, for too much too soon. I’m being selfish. And then there is always that saying ” Be careful what you wish for.” Allah knows best and maybe its better for both of us that we are not friends. I can only imagine what she is going through, the strength it must take to be nice to me and here I am wanting her to be my BFF. Double sighhhhhhhhh. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala guides whom He wills and He knows best. Everything happens because it is His will, so if He wants us to be friends we will. If not, we won’t. I am letting this go starting now inshaallah.
On a more positive note, my husband spoke with her on the phone in front of me recently (this had never happened before) and alhumdulilah no bad feelings came out of it. I mean why should it? I know he only did it out of necessity and inshaallah I hope that she extends the same courtesy should I ever need to speak with him and he is with her.
So my cowife has not spoken to me in days. This is not a good sign not a good sign at all…. I don’t think I did anything to upset her directly inshaAllah, but she is probably upset at this whole polygyny situation. I get it, she hates having to share her husband and her time with him and their family. 😦 inshaAllah she will come around. This is such an awkward situation and it actually makes me think if we should even be friends or talk at all. I mean at first I thought having a relationship with her, and a nice and good one at that, would be the best thing for everyone but now I’m not sure. I mean what happens now if she does decide to talk to me again? Do we just pick up right where we left off? Do we talk about what happened and why she stopped talking to me? What’s going on here! I hate being left in the dark but I don’t want to reach out to her either. I don’t want to push her. Eid is coming up on Friday and maybe that will help bring her around. I guess I just have to wait and see…
“And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]” Sahih International translation for The Noble Qur’an, Surat An-Nisa 4:3
The above ayat (verses) refers to the permissibility in Islam of a man marrying more than one wife (polygyny) IF and ONLY IF that man can be just among them. Funny how those opposed to polygyny like to cut off that part from the ayat…. When I first started learning about Islam I had so many questions on polygyny. Is that really allowed? Yes. Do people really go through all that? Yes. Do people go through that in the west? Yes. I started looking into it and quickly realized that while it is completely halal (permissible) the western ummah (nation, community) treat it as if it is totally haram (forbidden).
Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is the best of planners. His plan for me is to test me in this dunya (this worldly life) with polygyny and as a grateful servant to Allah, I humbly accept. If you don’t agree with polygyny,that is your personal opinion and you are welcome to it. InshaAllah (God willing), this is not a space for disrespect to anyone about anything.
InshaAllah this is a place to learn and ponder which leads me to my first confession: I hate the fact that there are many muslimahs that do not accept polygyny and that they will literally outcast you should they find out you are a cowife. Why is is it that they can accept and practice everything else from the Qur’an and Sunnah except polygyny?
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah (d. 728H):
“Whenever a person makes halal what is haram by consensus or makes haram what is halal by consensus or replaces the Sharee’ah that is agreed upon by consensus, then he is a Kaffir by the agreement of the scholars of Fiqh.” – “Al-Fataawa”, Vol. 3/267.
I have no right and in no way am I calling anyone a kaffir. That said, polygyny is HALAL. What’s up with my sisters in faith steadfast on treating it like it is HARAM?