Decisions & Dilemmas

Ok, so I’ve been delaying this post simply because I keep changing my mind. Yesterday my mind had made a decision on how to feel and now today I’m not so sure…maybe writing it all out will let me finally settle on one path. Then again maybe I’m not meant to follow just one part on this issue, Allah knows best. Here goes nothing.

My cowife… –sigh– So last time I wrote about us she had stopped talking to me all of sudden. I gave her plenty of space and decided to just let her be and come around again whenever she was ready and wanted to. After a while she did actually come around. We started talking again and hanging out and it was nice. It was, what I thought, how cowives should interact. I know I’m new to this and I don’t have any experience on what should be done or should not but you know, two people who will be in each others live should get along. Even though I shouldn’t have been, I was surprised, and hurt, when she disappeared again. I did the same thing, I gave her time and space and let her be. Well, she came back and again same thing, we talked, got together and had a great time. I never treated her any different when she would come back, it would just kind of like pick up right where we left off. I feel like I’m in a relationship with this woman and I guess I kind of am in a way. A cowife type of relationship whatever that is….Well guess what? She’s gone again. Just like that. One day she’s here, the next she’s gone. I never know with her and to be honest I was upset at first but not anymore because you know why? Because this is NOT ABOUT ME (directly). Her actions are a direct correlation to her emotions, just like a roller coaster going up and down. I can see how she can like me (or at least try to like me) one day and then change her mind the next. I don’t blame her, this was not her choice. I wrote yesterday how I chose to practice polygyny and how my husband chose to practice but what about her? She didn’t have a choice and I know that is a huge bulk of the reason of why she acts the way she does. I will never, ever know what she is going through. I know that, I get that. Still, I want to be there for her, comfort her, and I really do care about her despite the fact that I am (indirectly) the source of her pain. This is my dilemma.

Thinking about all of this over and over again I thought maybe it’s not a good idea that we are friends. The whole cowife relationship thing…maybe it does more harm than good. You know that saying out of sight, out of mind? Maybe that is better… I don’t know, Allah knows best. So yesterday I decided I was just going to roll with it. If she wants to talk to me, alhamdulilah and if she doesn’t want to then alhamdulilah too. Well this morning I really wanted to text her. To tell her that I was sorry for any pain that I cause her. To tell her that if she never wanted to see me or speak to me again that it was ok, that I wouldn’t judge her or be mad at her and if she changed her mind down the road that was ok too. I thought about everything I wanted to say the whole way to work but then when I finally got there I changed my mind again. I didn’t want to text her anymore and I still don’t want to. Reading this post, I really do just want to roll with it. There is nothing that I can say to her that will make the situation any better so I’m just going to be quiet. Bismiallah, decision made, dilemma solved alhamdulilah.

-K

Advertisements

Breakdown

“You keep running after the love of the people, but you’ll never get it. And what you do get, will never be enough. The hole inside you is too big. You see, it was made by God, for God. How could anything less fill it?” -Yasmine Mogahed

Every time I’m disappointed, every time my heart breaks, every time I break down it is exactly because of Yasmine’s quote above. Every.single.time. You see the problem is that when I count on something that does not have the power to deliver, disappointment and heart-break is inevitable. Whenever I count on someone or something other than Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala I am taking a risk and that risk has consequences. It might come through or it might not. Whether it does or does not is strictly up to Allah.

So why is it that despite the fact of knowing this, I continue to place my hopes and dreams in these people or things? Why do I continue to place my bet on dunya, so to speak, knowing there is a HUGE chance I am going to lose? Nothing compares to the wisdom Allah provides. Allah the most high says in the Qur’an:

“O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic drinks), and gambling, and Al-Ansaab, and Al-Azlaam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination of Shaytaan’s (Satan’s) handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful. Shaytaan (Satan) wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from As-Salaah (the prayer). So, will you not then abstain?”[al-Maa’idah 5:90-91]

Gambling is not exclusive to Las Vegas casinos.  The moment I start depending on someone other than Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, I’m placing my bet on dunya openly inviting shaytaan to wreak havoc in my life. Dependency on other than Allah, leads to disappointment which leads to hurt feelings which leads to arguments which leads to saying hurtful things (that I will most definitely regret later) and so on and so forth. I think you get my point. “So, will you not then abstain?” How many bets do I have to lose to realize that dunya will never win? When am I going to understand that Allah az wa jal is a SURE WINNER? Every.single.time. No betting needed.

“So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful. Shaytaan (Satan) wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from As-Salaah (the prayer). So, will you not then abstain?”

I ask Allah to guide all of my brothers and sisters, as well as myself, so that we may be successful and for the strength to never allow anything to come between Him and us. Ameen!

There comes a point in time when you have to stop talking and start praying. You can only tell a person the same thing over and over and over again so many times until you breakdown. Today I brokedown and reached that point.  While my husband is an amazing person with great character at the end of the day he is still human and human = flaws. The good in him outweighs the bad by the tons, but shaytaan is pure evil with the keen ability to make me forget the good in the moments I need to remember them most. So inshaallah, I’m going to stop talking and start praying, stop counting on dunya and start counting only on Allah az wa jal. Ya Allah! Grant me the wisdom and strength to choose only the best of words when I speak. Ameen!

Here.We.Go.

So today is Halloween which for me falls under the category of ridiculous holiday and alhamdullilah Muslims do not celebrate ridiculous holidays fabricated by commerce for the sole purpose of squeezing every penny you have out of your pocket and into their cash registers.  With that being said all of my non-Muslim family celebrates these ridiculous holidays and this will be the first year for me of going through the ” No thank you, I don’t celebrate (insert ridiculous holiday name here).” My head hurts already. My family is big on asking questions and giving their opinions especially when it’s not solicited.

I view Halloween as the starting point of the holiday season for my family which goes a little something like this: Halloween. Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and Easter brings up the rear. Every month its something. I define a holiday as any day where getting together, eating and spending lots of money is encouraged and required which applies to every single one of those days I just mentioned, in my family anyways. Unbeknownst to them, I will be slowly but surely trying to convince them to cease and desist from this madness. Alhumdulilah my opinion is always taken into consideration in my family council so I need to take advantage of that and come up with ways to let them know that what they do is INSANE without insulting them or making them feel bad.

My first victory of the season: They wanted to spend money on new costumes for today and I suggested they just reuse the ones from last year (that were only used for a few hours, not even a whole day!) and trick or treat in a different neighborhood. They accepted alhamdullilah.

Confession: I’m waging war against any acts that require the unnecessary spending of hard-earned money and create a burden in the lives of the people I love. Holidays beware.

Cowife update

I got a text from cowife yesterday..finally. It was nothing personal, just strictly passing along some beneficial information. I feel like it’s the same as her not contacting me at all. Am I so delusional that I actually thought we were going to be friends? Confession: I want to throw a full-blown temper tantrum on the floor kicking my legs, pounding my fists, the whole bit. I want to tell her ” Why can’t we just be friends??!?!?!?” I want to tell her to get over it. To tell her that I’m not going anywhere and that whether she likes it or not I’m going to be in her life so lets just make the most of it. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh. 😐 There is no way in dunya I’m telling her any of that, but there’s no harm in wishing is there? I know we do not have to be friends. We don’t have to have dinner together or go shopping together, we just have to be respectful towards each other and Allah knows best. I know I’m wanting, asking, for too much too soon. I’m being selfish. And then there is always that saying ” Be careful what you wish for.” Allah knows best and maybe its better for both of us that we are not friends. I can only imagine what she is going through, the strength it must take to be nice to me and here I am wanting her to be my BFF. Double sighhhhhhhhh. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala  guides whom He wills and He knows best. Everything happens because it is His will, so if He wants us to be friends we will. If not, we won’t. I am letting this go starting now inshaallah.

On a more positive note, my husband spoke with her on the phone in front of me recently (this had never happened before) and alhumdulilah no bad feelings came out of it. I mean why should it? I know he only did it out of necessity and inshaallah I hope that she extends the same courtesy should I ever need to speak with him and he is with her.

-K

Reality Check

This week is going to be interesting. We are still trying out different schedules to see what works best and this week will be the longest I won’t see my husband 😦  but I will get him back for the same number of days so that’s at least something to look forward to. 🙂 I do have to confess that as much as I try to be positive about my situation, I hate not being with my husband and there are times when my over thinking gets the best of me and I wonder what the hell did I get myself in to, If I even made the right choice. Polygyny is HARD. It has taken my patience, emotions, my mind to limits I had never reached before and the fact that this is just the beginning of my marriage scares the crap out of me. Where will I be, how will I feel/think 1 year from now? 5? Allah knows best. I was listening to a lecture that mentioned how men were away at war during the Khalifa of Umar ibn Al-Khaatab, radiallahu anhu, for long periods of time and due to the distress this caused their wives, he set a time limit of 4 months as the maximum amount of time a husband could be gone from his wife and Allah knows best. 4 months!!! AND they didn’t even want to come back because they were gone fisabilillah, for the sake of Allah. SubhanAllah I’m over here distressed over a few measly days and these women were really going through it… may Allah have mercy on us all. Sometimes A lot of times I need a reality check.

I do have a tons of things that I need to be doing with all my “free time” though and I really need to get it together inshaAllah. This is my list:

1. Practice reading Qu’ran (should be doing this all the time really)

2. Practice cooking

3. Excercise of some sort

4.Practice sewing (I’m dying to make my own abaya but that is another post for later 😉 )

5. Practice my blogging

Ok so maybe I don’t have as many things to do as I thought..lol. Well at least its a start. I have to make sure that I balance my life between my marriage and other activities that will bring me benefit, make me happy and feel fulfilled. Before I accepted Islam, all of my relationships consisted of only the well-being of the other person. Everything, and I mean everything revolved around them and their happiness. Obviously, none of those relationships worked. Now Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala has placed me in a situation where I am forced to balance my life and I need to take the opportunity to take care of myself and not focus on my husband so much that it becomes unhealthy. Now with all that being said I need to read and practice what I write lol. May Allah guide me and make it easy for me. Ameen!

Left in dunya limbo

So my cowife has not spoken to me in days. This is not a good sign not a good sign at all…. I don’t think I did anything to upset her directly inshaAllah, but she is probably upset at this whole polygyny situation. I get it, she hates having to share her husband and her time with him and their family. 😦  inshaAllah she will come around. This is such an awkward situation and it actually makes me think if we should even be friends or talk at all. I mean at first I thought having a relationship with her, and a nice and good one at that, would be the best thing for everyone but now I’m not sure. I mean what happens now if she does decide to talk to me again? Do we just pick up right where we left off? Do we talk about what happened and why she stopped talking to me? What’s going on here! I hate being left in the dark but I don’t want to reach out to her either. I don’t want to push her. Eid is coming up on Friday and maybe that will help bring her around. I guess I just have to wait and see…

Why I started this blog: Polygyny.

“And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]” Sahih International translation for The Noble Qur’an, Surat An-Nisa 4:3

The above ayat (verses) refers to the permissibility in Islam of a man marrying more than one wife (polygyny) IF and ONLY IF that man can be just among them. Funny how those opposed to polygyny like to cut off that part from the ayat…. When I first started learning about Islam I had so many questions on polygyny. Is that really allowed? Yes. Do people really go through all that? Yes. Do people go through that in the west? Yes. I started looking into it and quickly realized that while it is completely halal (permissible) the western ummah (nation, community) treat it as if it is totally haram (forbidden).

Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is the best of planners. His plan for me is to test me in this dunya (this worldly life) with polygyny and as a grateful servant to Allah, I humbly accept. If you don’t agree with polygyny,that is your personal opinion and you are welcome to it. InshaAllah (God willing), this is not a space for disrespect to anyone about anything.

InshaAllah this is a place to learn and ponder which leads me to my first confession: I hate the fact that there are many muslimahs that do not accept polygyny and that they will literally outcast you should they find out you are a cowife. Why is is it that they can accept and practice everything else from the Qur’an and Sunnah except polygyny?

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah (d. 728H):

“Whenever a person makes halal what is haram by consensus or makes haram what is halal by consensus or replaces the Sharee’ah that is agreed upon by consensus, then he is a Kaffir by the agreement of the scholars of Fiqh.” – “Al-Fataawa”, Vol. 3/267.

I have no right and in no way am I calling anyone a kaffir. That said, polygyny is HALAL. What’s up with my sisters in faith steadfast on treating it like it is HARAM?

-K