Well it happened. Exactly what I promised myself I wouldn’t do if I ever started a blog. I started and then I stopped. While I hate that it happened I do have a good reason kind of..in sha Allah. TOO MANY EMOTIONS. Running wild all over the place from both my cowife and myself. One day she talks to me, one day she doesn’t. One day she has accepted Allah’s plan, the next day she changes her mind. This has now been going on for a while and to be quite honest I am so over it. I love the woman to death, she is my sister in Islam, she is my cowife, I would do anything for her and I have done many things for her. On the same note I can only take so much mind changing. I know a lot of people will not agree with me and that is totally ok, but I need a ride or die cowife. What do I mean by that? I mean that I need her to understand and accept that the reason she is in this situation is only because it’s Allah’s plan. ALLAH and only Allah, not me. I don’t mean to sound harsh or insensitive because that is not who I am. I am a Muslim living in the United States, trying to follow my deen, trying to be a good daughter, sister, wife, etc in an environment constantly surrounded by fitnah and I need my family (I consider her my family even if the feeling is not mutual) to be on board 100% so that we may be successful! Successful = Jannah! Not accepting the situations that Allah places us in does nothing for no one. Obviously my current issue is the fact that my cowife does not want to accept polygyny. She likes me as a person and has told me that I am a great cowife to her, but she cannot accept polygyny. I feel that polygyny and I go hand in hand. I am only one person so naturally as much as she wants to separate me as a person and me as a cowife, its never going to happen. Her not accepting poloygyny is an extension of her not accepting me. If you don’t accept me, then don’t pretend to be my friend and care about me. I told her to not expect me to be there for her if she kept disappearing on me. Then I decided that was not right thing to do. I will be there for her even if she’s not there for me and maybe Allah will reward be for my patience. Rant over. I was not even going to write about that but it just came out alhamdulilah. If there are any other current, past or future cowives out there, PLEASE! send me a message. Let’s talk about whatever issues you’re going through.
The other morning something very interesting happened. It’s interesting now but I was super pissed off when it happened. My husband called me by my cowife’s name. I crack up now remembering the look on his face. He was telling me to wake up for Fajr but said her name on accident. I know it was not intentional, because his whole demeanor completely changed. His voice, his facial expression, everything. “Wrong wife”, I snapped and threw my side of the covers on top of him, stormed out of bed slamming the door to the restroom behind me. Dramatic exit complete. I was furious! How dare he! Many, many, MANY other nasty thoughts occupied my mind but unbelievably in the midst of my anger I was able to ask myself how important was this to me. Was this important enough to start a war so early in the morning and spend the rest of the day miserable? Was it important enough to utter ugly and hurtful words? Was it important enough to lose my sanity? Would I regret the war later? I was confused and upset and didn’t know how the hell I was going to handle this situation. I started to reason with my nafs, who had already declared war the moment her name was mentioned, and pleaded that it put the weapons down and walk away. I cannot be the only one this has happened to and in reality it’s not that big of a deal right? I mean, the man has been with her for many years and it is possible that his brain was on autopilot. It could have happened to anyone. It could have happened at a worse time. I’ve heard stories about couples being intimate with each other and someone saying a wrong name (and they are not even practicing polygyny!). If that could be forgiven surely this could be. I kept on negotiating until I came to the conclusion that it was an honest mistake and I
could had to be rational and forgive him. It was the right thing to do.
Our beloved Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, taught us that “Not one of you can truly believe if you do not want for your brother what you want for yourself.” (Sahih Bukhari) If I was in his place I would have wanted him to forgive me. Taking a step even further, Do I not wish for Allah to forgive me for my mistakes and have mercy on me? I have to be merciful to others If I want Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala to be merciful to me. I decided that I would not make a big deal about it, I wouldn’t start a war. My nafs was UPSET I chose that route. It took everything I had to face him and smile and tell him that it was ok., that I loved him and that he didn’t have to keep apologizing. He made a mistake plain and simple. This is my husband. He’s not out to get me or do things on purpose to hurt me. It was so hard to remember this in that moment but somehow Allah allowed me to remember.
I still think about what happened. I keep thinking about men who practice polygamy and they way they live separate lives that have all of their own details and happenings. How do they do it? How do they keep everything separated? What about those who have 4 wives? 4 different lives being lived all at the same time. Is there a switch for each wife that is constantly being turned on or off? How do these men not develop mental disorders like multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia? It’s just too much if you really start to think about it. It kind of makes me want to cut my husband a little more slack, kind of but not really because at the end of the day it was still a choice that he made. Men are not forced to practice polygyny, they choose to. I chose to. My cowife…(that’s another story for another post). Anyways, I’m curious to see if any studies have been done about it or at least if anyone has wondered the same thing. Rightly so, a lot of focus is placed on the women involved in polygyny, especially the first wife. I haven’t really came across anything that focuses on the psychological effects of polygyny on the man. It’s times like this I wish people who practice would speak up and share their stories…what better way to learn?
“You keep running after the love of the people, but you’ll never get it. And what you do get, will never be enough. The hole inside you is too big. You see, it was made by God, for God. How could anything less fill it?” -Yasmine Mogahed
Every time I’m disappointed, every time my heart breaks, every time I break down it is exactly because of Yasmine’s quote above. Every.single.time. You see the problem is that when I count on something that does not have the power to deliver, disappointment and heart-break is inevitable. Whenever I count on someone or something other than Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala I am taking a risk and that risk has consequences. It might come through or it might not. Whether it does or does not is strictly up to Allah.
So why is it that despite the fact of knowing this, I continue to place my hopes and dreams in these people or things? Why do I continue to place my bet on dunya, so to speak, knowing there is a HUGE chance I am going to lose? Nothing compares to the wisdom Allah provides. Allah the most high says in the Qur’an:
“O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic drinks), and gambling, and Al-Ansaab, and Al-Azlaam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination of Shaytaan’s (Satan’s) handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful. Shaytaan (Satan) wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from As-Salaah (the prayer). So, will you not then abstain?”[al-Maa’idah 5:90-91]
Gambling is not exclusive to Las Vegas casinos. The moment I start depending on someone other than Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, I’m placing my bet on dunya openly inviting shaytaan to wreak havoc in my life. Dependency on other than Allah, leads to disappointment which leads to hurt feelings which leads to arguments which leads to saying hurtful things (that I will most definitely regret later) and so on and so forth. I think you get my point. “So, will you not then abstain?” How many bets do I have to lose to realize that dunya will never win? When am I going to understand that Allah az wa jal is a SURE WINNER? Every.single.time. No betting needed.
“So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful. Shaytaan (Satan) wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from As-Salaah (the prayer). So, will you not then abstain?”
I ask Allah to guide all of my brothers and sisters, as well as myself, so that we may be successful and for the strength to never allow anything to come between Him and us. Ameen!
There comes a point in time when you have to stop talking and start praying. You can only tell a person the same thing over and over and over again so many times until you breakdown. Today I brokedown and reached that point. While my husband is an amazing person with great character at the end of the day he is still human and human = flaws. The good in him outweighs the bad by the tons, but shaytaan is pure evil with the keen ability to make me forget the good in the moments I need to remember them most. So inshaallah, I’m going to stop talking and start praying, stop counting on dunya and start counting only on Allah az wa jal. Ya Allah! Grant me the wisdom and strength to choose only the best of words when I speak. Ameen!