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Death of MY OWN polygyny blog!

Well it happened. Exactly what I promised myself I wouldn’t do if I ever started a blog. I started and then I stopped. While I hate that it happened I do have a good reason kind of..in sha Allah. TOO MANY EMOTIONS. Running wild all over the place from both my cowife and myself. One day she talks to me, one day she doesn’t. One day she has accepted Allah’s plan, the next day she changes her mind. This has now been going on for a while and to be quite honest I am so over it. I love the woman to death, she is my sister in Islam, she is my cowife, I would do anything for her and I have done many things for her. On the same note I can only take so much mind changing. I know a lot of people will not agree with me and that is totally ok, but I need a ride or die cowife. What do I mean by that? I mean that I need her to understand and accept that the reason she is in this situation is only because it’s Allah’s plan. ALLAH and only Allah, not me. I don’t mean to sound harsh or insensitive because that is not who I am. I am a Muslim living in the United States, trying to follow my deen, trying to be a good daughter, sister, wife, etc in an environment constantly surrounded by fitnah and I need my family (I consider her my family even if the feeling is not mutual) to be on board 100% so that we may be successful! Successful = Jannah! Not accepting the situations that Allah places us in does nothing for no one. Obviously my current issue is the fact that my cowife does not want to accept polygyny. She likes me as a person and has told me that I am a great cowife to her, but she cannot accept polygyny. I feel that polygyny and I go hand in hand. I am only one person so naturally as much as she wants to separate me as a person and me as a cowife, its never going to happen. Her not accepting poloygyny is an extension of her not accepting me. If you don’t accept me, then don’t pretend to be my friend and care about me. I told her to not expect me to be there for her if she kept disappearing on me. Then I decided that was not right thing to do. I will be there for her even if she’s not there for me and maybe Allah will reward be for my patience. Rant over. I was not even going to write about that but it just came out alhamdulilah. If there are any other current, past or future cowives out there, PLEASE! send me a message. Let’s talk about whatever issues you’re going through.

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15 responses to “Death of MY OWN polygyny blog!

  1. Asalaamu Alaikum Wa Ramatullahi Wa Barakatu

    Sister thankyou for this post. I’m sorry you are having a difficult time with your co wife.

    I am possibly about to enter into polygyny as my husband has asked my good friend to become wife #2

    Although she will only accept with my blessing, I am sometimes struggling to imagine how I’m gonna cope.
    I told her its not my decision, that if my husband were single and she would accept then she should do so despite me being in the picture. And that we should all pray to Allah to guide us to what is best for us all In’sha Allāh.

    He reason I thanked you for this post is that, although I really want to be gracious and cooperative and have a happy family including her – my naffs and shaytan keep trying to convince me that I’d cope better by not having contact or maintaining our friendship.

    I don’t want to make her feel bad, so I am
    Fronting it out – but you help me to see that my own selfish issues will no doubt affect her if I give in to my naffs.

    So anyway, I resolve to pray to Allah and try my best. And if at any time the shaytan comes whispering this nonsense about cutting ties – In’sha Allāh I’ll e ame to remember that I won’t be the only one affected if I did.

    Sorry for the long post. I hope you and your co wife can resolve your/her issues and come together for the sake of Allah xx

    • Walaykum AsSalaam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu!

      You are welcome sis! Its really hard!!!! I sent you a personal email hope you got it 😉

      In sha Allah, Allah will give us all peace. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to have their feelings, I just dont see how its beneficial to fight over something that we don’t have control over. 

      Be involved sis with everything! Polygyny requires a lot of communication and while it might seem easier to ignore her if she does become your cowife, it wont make you happier. Its just my opinion from my experience.  Keep me posted and may Allah make it easy for us all, Ameen!

  2. Asalaamu Alaikum sister how is everything going with you?
    I still didn’t receive your email 😦
    Yesterday I had a really down day – I was a complete wreck – but Alhamdulillah for a new day.
    I am currently waiting to here which day the wedding will take place. And I’m
    Praying to Allah to help me get through these initial emotional stages with dignity an courage In’shaa Allāh.

    I’m thinking ur co wife may still be in that period – perhaps it takes longer for some to get through than others.
    It’s a real rollercoaster and I’m sure it’s hard not to take it personal when she retreats into her shell. But try to imagine she may be doing this to avoid offending you when she’s having a bad day. It really is like a really bad hormonal nightmare at times – but In’shaa Allāh we can ride it out.
    It’s scary because as the first wife, even with the best intentions to try for the sake of Allah, even when you honestly love your co-wife – you always have that “what if I can’t get over these feelings?” fear. It makes you wonder where your life will be heading next and the insecurity is the killer.

    I’m not trying to justify her actions on her behalf or anything – but this is exactly how I’ve been feeling so maybe it might help shed a little insight onto her thought processes or something?

    I’m going to have to explain this to
    My friend too. The plural marriage thing is part of her culture and therefore not a big deal – so I want her to understand that any issues I have in the early days In’shaa Allāh are not personal.
    Like you say, fighting Allahs decree will get us no-where – but accepting that I may well feel like an emotional train wreck at first is a first step In’shaa Allāh. Accepting the feelings are normal rather than trying to run from or avoid them is hard – but productive In’shaa Allāh! 🙂

    Sorry sister, spilling out a good few pages of thoughts on your blog there lol!
    Xx

    • Walaykum AsSalaam Warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu!!!!!!! Sis I don’t know why the email wont go through! 😦 I’m going to post on your blog so you can have my personal email address and try to write me to see if its something on my end. In sha Allah we can make it work! Sis, your comment came at the perfect time. This is such a difficult situation for wives to be in and I have to keep telling myself that it is not personal even though it really does seem like it is. I had a conversation about this with my husband last night. I let him know how I was feeling and he made a good point of the fact that she and I move at different paces. I move super fast and she moves super slow. It causes a lot of friction. I’m willing to slow down but by what she has told me, I don’t think she is willing to speed it up Allah knows best. Another truth my husband told me, which is the most important of all, is if I do anything for the sake of Allah then peoples reactions should not matter to me or bother me. In sha Allah I’m going to focus on this.     Jazak Allah Khair for your insight and feel free to write all you want! Your words really make sense and it really does help to hear this from another Sister. Alhamdu Lilah for my husband and his words as well. Those who practice polygyny really need outlets to express their feelings and work through their emotions so we can focus our actions to only those that will please Allah.   May Allah reward your for your excellent nasiha and may He make these coming times easy for you, Ameen!    

      >________________________________

  3. NewlyRevertedMuslimah ⋅

    I recently found your blog and could use some help.

    Salam Alaikum! I need advice. I am in a relationship with a man. He is pious and a good match. Recently his parents (mainly mom) have required that he remarry his exwife (whom he has 2 kids with). This means I would have to be in a plural marriage. I am only 20 (he’s 27) and a revert from America. I already have little want to be in a plural marriage especially since after marrying him i would be moving to Saudi Arabia.

    Deep in my heart I know I can’t be in a plural marriage without going crazy. I know that my family would never support a plural marriage and they hardly support my moving to KSA.

    Is there anyway to convince his family? Does he have to listen to them on this matter? Should I just let go? I am lost and praying for guidance, but I need some outside advice.

    • Walaykum AsSalaam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu Sister!

      ALLAHU AKBR!

      First Alhamdu Lilah that Allah has guided you to Islam. May He make this time of many changes easy and rewarding for you, Ameen!

      I will be completely honest in my response and everything that is good comes from Allah, everything else is solely from my own faults, may Allah forgive me.

      You cannot make anyone do anything. The only thing that you have control over in this life are YOUR actions. That’s it. Make them count, make them good.

      GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED. I’ll type this again, GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED.

      All of the questions below, and anymore that you will have, should be discussed and answered with an Imam or credible person of knowledge in Islam present so that in sha Allah you both will be rightly guided BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED.

      I also entered my marriage as a new Muslim, but the feelings that I had for my husband were deep rooted. We had a history and that was a significant factor that played in my acceptance of being a cowife. Do you have a wali? If you don’t, you need to get one ASAP. How is your relationship? How long have you “been” with him? Can you stand by this man under any circumstance? You mentioned he is pious and a good match. Do you know the rights that both the wife and husband are entitled to in Islam? What do you expect from each other both emotionally and physically? What are his views on polygyny? How will he go about splitting time, money? Living arrangements in a foreign country? Can you handle a spontaneous schedule? Ex: Its your night and you made plans to go out but cowife has kids, one is very sick and has to go to the hospital, husband has to leave you to attend them. (That’s just one of the many, many, many situations that come up when your cowife has kids. Just because you have a schedule of the nights your supposed to have, that doesn’t mean it will happen that way.) Does his exwife know about you? If she does, how does she feel about being a cowife? If she doesn’t, how do you think she will react when she finds out?

      I don’t want to overwhelm you with questions, but honestly I could really keep going. You already don’t want to practice polygyny and I am not trying to steer you away from it. All I want is for you to make an educated desicion in sha Allah and be happy with your life and your marriage.

      I LOVE my husband and all the things that I go through to be with him in this life and in sha Allah the next are very well worth it. No matter how much I may complain or be upset, at the end of the day he is wonderful and I could not and would not be with anyone else.

      My beautiful sister in Islam, I say this as a reminder to myself first: Our purpose in this life is to worship Allah so that we may be successful (enter paradise). We do not own anything or anyone. The things that we have and the people in our lives are merly on loan to us from His mercy. To Allah we belong and to Allah we shall return.

      Make Istikhara. How to pray Istikhara?

      The description of Salaat al-Istikhaarah was reported by Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah al-Salami (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said:

      “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach his companions to make istikhaarah in all things, just as he used to teach them soorahs from the Qur’aan. He said: ‘If any one of you is concerned about a decision he has to make, then let him pray two rak’ahs of non-obligatory prayer, then say: Allaahumma inni astakheeruka bi ‘ilmika wastaqdiruka bi qudratika wa as’aluka min fadlikal azeem, fa innaka taqdiru wa laa aqdir, wa ta’lamu wa laa a’lam, wa anta ‘allaam al-ghuyoob. Allaahumma in kunta ta’lamu anna haadhal amr khayrul li fi deeni wa ma’aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri, faqdirhu li wa yassirhu li, thumma baarik li fih. Wa in kunta ta’lamu anna hadhal amr, sharrulli fi deeni wa ma’aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri, fasrifhu anni wasrifni ‘anhu waqdir lil-khayra haythu kaana thumma adini bihi (O Allaah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allaah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it.”

      (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6841; similar reports are also recorded by al-Tirmidhi,

      al-Nisaa’i, Abu Dawood, Ibn Maajah and Ahmad).

      Ibn Hijr (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, commenting on this hadeeth:

      “Istikhaarah is a word which means asking Allaah to help one make a choice, meaning choosing the best of two things where one needs to choose one of them. Concerning the phrase ‘The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach us to make istikhaarah in all things,’ Ibn Abi Jamrah said: ‘It is a general phrase which refers to something specific. With regard to matters that are waajib (obligatory) or mustahabb (liked or encouraged), there is no need for istikhaarah to decide whether to do them, and with regard to matters that are haraam (forbidden) or makrooh (disliked), there is no need for istikhaarah to decide whether to avoid them. The issue of istikhaarah is confined to matters that are mubaah (allowed), or in mustahabb matters when there is a decision to be made as to which one should be given priority.’ I say: it refers to both great and small matters, and probably an insignificant issue could form the groundwork for a big issue. The phrase ‘If any one of you is concerned…’ appears in the version narrated by Ibn Mas’ood as: ‘if any one of you wants to do something…’ ‘Let him pray two rak’ahs of non-obligatory prayer.’ This is mentioned to make it clear that it does not mean fajr prayer, for example. Al-Nawawi said in al-Adhkaar: He can pray istikaarah after two rak’ahs of regular sunnah prayer done at zuhr for example, or after two rak’ahs of any naafil prayers whether they are regularly performed or not… It seems to be the case that if he made the intention to pray istikhaarah at the same time as intending to pray that particular prayer, this is fine, but not if he did not have this intention. Ibn Abi Jamrah said: The wisdom behind putting the salaat before the du’aa’ is that istikhaarah is intended to combine the goodness of this world with the goodness of the next. A person needs to knock at the door of the King (Allaah), and there is nothing more effective for this than prayer, because it contains glorification and praise of Allaah, and expresses one’s need for Him at all times. The phrase ‘then let him say’ would seem to imply that the du’aa’ should be said after finishing the prayer, and the word thumma (then) probably means after reciting all the words of the salaat and before saying salaam.

      The phrase ‘O Allaah, I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge’ is explaining ‘because You know best.’ Similarly, ‘by virtue of Your power’ most likely means ‘seeking Your help.’ ‘I seek ability’ (astaqdiruka) means ‘I ask You to give me the power or ability (qudrah) to do’ whatever is being asked for, or it probably means ‘I ask You to decree (tuqaddir) this for me.’ So it may mean making it easy.

      ‘I ask You of Your great bounty’ refers to the fact that Allaah gives out of His great generosity, but no one has the right to His blessings. This is the opinion of Ahl al-Sunnah.

      ‘You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not’ refers to the fact that power and knowledge belong to Allaah alone, and the slave has no share of them except what Allaah decrees for him.

      ‘O Allaah, if in Your knowledge this matter…’ According to one report, he should mention it by name. It is apparent from the context that he should state it, but it is probably sufficient to be thinking of the matter whilst making this du’aa’.

      ‘Then ordain it for me’ means ‘make it happen for me’ or it may mean ‘make it easy for me.’

      ‘Then turn it away from me, and turn me away from it’ means ‘so that my heart will no longer feel attached to it after it has been turned away.’

      ‘Make me pleased with it’ means ‘make me content with it, so that I will never regret asking for it or be sorry that it happened, because I do not know how it will turn out, even if at the time of asking I am pleased with it.’

      The secret is that one’s heart should not be attached to the matter in question, because that will result in a person becoming restless. Being pleased with something means that one’s heart is content with the decree of Allaah.

      (Summarized from the commentary of al-Haafiz Ibn Hijr (may Allaah have mercy on him) on the hadeeth in Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Kitaab al-Da’waat and Kitaab al-Tawheed.).

      One last thing: Don’t let a good man slip away because of polygyny. In Islam men have the right to marry up to 4 women:

      Sahih Bukhari Volume 007, Book 062, Hadith Number 002.

      Sahih Bukhari Book 62. Wedlock, Marriage (Nikah)

      Narrated By ‘Ursa : That he asked ‘Aisha about the Statement of Allah: ‘If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (the captives) that your right hands possess. That will be nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.’ (4.3) ‘Aisha said, “O my nephew! (This Verse has been revealed in connection with) an orphan girl under the guardianship of her guardian who is attracted by her wealth and beauty and intends to marry her with a Mahr less than what other women of her standard deserve. So they (such guardians) have been forbidden to marry them unless they do justice to them and give them their full Mahr, and they are ordered to marry other women instead of them.”

      If Allah has destined you to be in a polygamous marriage it will happen with whoever you marry regardless if it’s this brother or another one. Remember that you can only control your actions, read Qur’an, make a lot of Dua, spend a lot of time reflecting, make Istikhara, talk to your wali, GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED. Allah will not steer your wrong. Sometimes what we feel is good for us (monogamous marriage) is really bad for us, and what we feel is bad for us (polygyny) is good for us. It just might be your ticket to Jannah in sha Allah.

      In sha Allah I have provided something of benefit and please know that you can contact me at anytime 🙂

  4. Ummu Hurairah ⋅

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullah sister. I miss reading your post.. May Allah ease everything for you and strengthen your eeman. 🙂 🙂

    Is there anyway we could keep in touch? Facebook or email perhaps.. Let me know in my blog.

  5. helimah ⋅

    May Allah make this transition easy on all involved..Ameen

  6. ana

    As Salaamu Alaikum, Confessions of a cowife
    Ramadan Mubarak! I like your blog a lot. It’s very nice. Alhumdulliah. I just wanted to let you know that I noticed you have visited my site a few times and you have my link here. It’s very nice of you. I added your link to my blog roll under our friendly favorites. I wanted to say hello and it’s nice to meet you 🙂

    • Walaykum AsSalaam Warahmatullah!

      Ramadan Kareem Ana! Thanks for stopping by and adding my blog to your friendly favorites. I love your blog and the all the wonderful stories and advice you and the ladies share, may Allah reward you for your efforts! In sha Allah I will drop by soon to see whats going on in your world 🙂 So very nice to meet you too!
      -K

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