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Decisions & Dilemmas

Ok, so I’ve been delaying this post simply because I keep changing my mind. Yesterday my mind had made a decision on how to feel and now today I’m not so sure…maybe writing it all out will let me finally settle on one path. Then again maybe I’m not meant to follow just one part on this issue, Allah knows best. Here goes nothing.

My cowife… –sigh– So last time I wrote about us she had stopped talking to me all of sudden. I gave her plenty of space and decided to just let her be and come around again whenever she was ready and wanted to. After a while she did actually come around. We started talking again and hanging out and it was nice. It was, what I thought, how cowives should interact. I know I’m new to this and I don’t have any experience on what should be done or should not but you know, two people who will be in each others live should get along. Even though I shouldn’t have been, I was surprised, and hurt, when she disappeared again. I did the same thing, I gave her time and space and let her be. Well, she came back and again same thing, we talked, got together and had a great time. I never treated her any different when she would come back, it would just kind of like pick up right where we left off. I feel like I’m in a relationship with this woman and I guess I kind of am in a way. A cowife type of relationship whatever that is….Well guess what? She’s gone again. Just like that. One day she’s here, the next she’s gone. I never know with her and to be honest I was upset at first but not anymore because you know why? Because this is NOT ABOUT ME (directly). Her actions are a direct correlation to her emotions, just like a roller coaster going up and down. I can see how she can like me (or at least try to like me) one day and then change her mind the next. I don’t blame her, this was not her choice. I wrote yesterday how I chose to practice polygyny and how my husband chose to practice but what about her? She didn’t have a choice and I know that is a huge bulk of the reason of why she acts the way she does. I will never, ever know what she is going through. I know that, I get that. Still, I want to be there for her, comfort her, and I really do care about her despite the fact that I am (indirectly) the source of her pain. This is my dilemma.

Thinking about all of this over and over again I thought maybe it’s not a good idea that we are friends. The whole cowife relationship thing…maybe it does more harm than good. You know that saying out of sight, out of mind? Maybe that is better… I don’t know, Allah knows best. So yesterday I decided I was just going to roll with it. If she wants to talk to me, alhamdulilah and if she doesn’t want to then alhamdulilah too. Well this morning I really wanted to text her. To tell her that I was sorry for any pain that I cause her. To tell her that if she never wanted to see me or speak to me again that it was ok, that I wouldn’t judge her or be mad at her and if she changed her mind down the road that was ok too. I thought about everything I wanted to say the whole way to work but then when I finally got there I changed my mind again. I didn’t want to text her anymore and I still don’t want to. Reading this post, I really do just want to roll with it. There is nothing that I can say to her that will make the situation any better so I’m just going to be quiet. Bismiallah, decision made, dilemma solved alhamdulilah.

-K

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15 responses to “Decisions & Dilemmas

  1. I just doubt myself sometimes If i’m doing the right thing when it comes to her, you know? I really just need to trust Allah. Thank you for the reasurrance I really needed that. It took me forver to post and in realitly I knew what I had to do all along…alhamdulilah, ameen! 😀

  2. Just keep on doing what you’re doing, keeping the ball in her court. I do want to ask you, and feel free to tell me it’s none of my business or igore the question altogether, but why didn’t your husband give her a choice? Why didn’t he ask for her blessing or approval before he decided to marry you? Why did you go ahead with the marriage knowing she wasn’t given a choice? I just don’t understand what goes on in a man’s mind when he makes a decsission on this scale without consulting his life partner.

    • I didn’t push the issue enough. She did know about me and he did discuss polygyny with her before we got married but she was against it and he/we did it anyways. I feel like she wasn’t given a choice because her opposition didn’t stop it. I’m not making excuses for myself and I know that I will be held accountable for my actions. I had *just* accepted Islam and all I wanted to do was marry my husband. I have to be honest with you and tell you that I don’t regret marrying my husband, but I do regret the way I went about it. If I could do it all over again I would have reached out to her before the nikkah. Let her get to know me, show her that despite the situation I am a good person and that I have no intentions on replacing her. Only Allah knows if that would have made a difference or not but at least it would have been more respectful. Does it seem like my feelings contradict my actions? Because I really do care about her. Internally I tear myself in two, one half that puts myself first and the other that puts her first. We have gotten to know each other since then and we’ve had some deep conversations. She knows how I feel and she’s an amazing person (especially for being so nice to me when she was against the whole thing in the first place). I hope this all makes sense…What can I do about it now? Keep the ball in her court like you say and let her make the moves when and if she wants to.

  3. Very true. Being greatful and thanking God is at the top of my to do list and I need to focus on that. I’m assuming your near death experience will be disscussed in detail via email inshaAllah 😉

  4. hizzawja2

    My co-wife and I were close companions for more than a year before I married our husband. She was absolutely opened to the idea of me marrying him. In fact, she told him that ‘of all the sisters in the world’, he should marry me… and so we did. The first month was really rough. Our companionship suffered. She wouldn’t talk/txt me… My advice is let her go through her emotions. I have been the first wife in a previous marriage and having another woman join your family can take you on an emotional roller coaster that you even beg Allah that you can get off. Make du’a that Allah be in control of your heart. Work on your relationship with your Creator so that He can begin to work on your relationship with the creation. And make du’a for her. Polygamy can pull out emotions you thought you never had. May Allah grant you success and ease in your situation. Ameen

  5. Isn’t the husband supposed to ask the first wife before making the decision? Honestly, if I were in his first wife’s shoes I’d have deep emotional and self-esteem issues. I think you should go ahead with the text message, it might help how she feels with this whole situation.

    • There are a lot of different opinions out there. Some say you can’t take another wife if the 1st does not agree, some say you don’t have to tell the 1st wife anything at all, Allah knows best. As far as my personal situation my cowife did know before hand, she just did not agree with it.

      I just want to leave her alone, you know? I know that when I’m upset about certain things there is nothing that anyone can say to make it better, it just has to run its course. I feel like this is one of those things. What can I possible say that I haven’t told her already? I can’t come up with anything. Maybe if I do, I’ll tell her….

  6. Ummu Hurairah ⋅

    Assalamualaikum sister,

    If you are sincere, and your intention of marriage is because of Allah, InsyaAllah, Allah will make it easier for you. All of this is a test from Allah, which InsyaAllah, you will get through. Polygyny is something that is made halal by Allah Azza Wa Jal, who are we to say no? Who are we to oppose what has been made lawful by our Creator? Husband is a loan from the Almighty for us in the dunya, to protect us and lead us to Jannah. If Allah’s will, we will be together with our husbands in the hereafter. Hence, we are not to love His creations more than HIM, The Creator, even our husband.

    Don’t let your co-wife’s treatment get the best of you. Don’t let the whole thing clouded your brain from what is more important. What is important is that you are trying your best to please your husband.

    Rasulullah SAW said “If a woman observes her five daily prayers, fasts during the month of Ramadhan, guards her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter Paradise through any of the gates she wishes.” (Ibn Hibban no 4163)

    May Allah make everything easy for you sister. Much love. 🙂

    • “Husband is a loan from the Almighty for us in the dunya, to protect us and lead us to Jannah. If Allah’s will, we will be together with our husbands in the hereafter. Hence, we are not to love His creations more than HIM, The Creator, even our husband.”

      Ameen, sis! What a beautiful reminder mashaAllah… I hate that about dunya, it can easily make you loose perspective especially when it comes to loving someone. The culture I grew up in is all about romanticizing the notion of love: “true love”, “the one”, ” soul mate”, ” I would die without him, I can’t live without him, I can’t breath, sleep, eat without him” and on and on and on. That is a HUGE problem since really you can’t do any of those things without Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala not some human being….and then society wonders why there are so many messed up relationships full of obsession and violence.

      Uhibbuki fi’ llaahi wa jazakAllah khair 😀

      -K

      • Ummu Hurairah ⋅

        True that… When we are all wrapped up with the idea of “true love” “the one”, it can ruin us. We are caught up with trying to winning someone for ourselves only, for our worldly satisfaction, instead of doing it for Allah. I do not appreciate the muslimah with modernist mentality, who called the second wife as someone who stole their husband. My question, are you going to call Hajar, the mother of Ismael, a husband stealer too? Do not hate the law Allah has made legal. This is a test from Allah, ya habibi.

        Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. (2:286)
        And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, (2:155)
        And know that your properties and your children are but a trial and that Allah has with Him a great reward. (8:28)

        To be jealous is normal. Have we forgotten how Hafsah RA tricked Aisyah RA? Have we forgotten how the other wives of Rasulullah SAW send Fatimah RA to the house of Aisyah RA? But that doesn’t mean that we need to be selfish. Have we forgotten the selfless act of the Ansaar who offered one of his wives to the muhajirin?

        InsyaAllah sister, everything will be easier one day. Allah knows your niah, your sincerity. I pray for Allah to make it easy for you. Apologise for the long reply.

        Wa uhibbuka fillah aidhan ya ukht. 🙂

  7. Sister please do not apologize, I very much need to be reminded of your words 🙂 Your words are al haq! May Allah increase you in this life and the next, ameen!

  8. although I dont have a cowife situation,,, i do have a situation with a moody daughter,, and she comes and go’s- its hard, and I too have decided to wait it out,,, patience, sabr,, allah help me…

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