“No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah’s Decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come on your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.” – Umar ibn al-Khattab (ra)”
Ok, so I’ve been delaying this post simply because I keep changing my mind. Yesterday my mind had made a decision on how to feel and now today I’m not so sure…maybe writing it all out will let me finally settle on one path. Then again maybe I’m not meant to follow just one part on this issue, Allah knows best. Here goes nothing.
My cowife… –sigh– So last time I wrote about us she had stopped talking to me all of sudden. I gave her plenty of space and decided to just let her be and come around again whenever she was ready and wanted to. After a while she did actually come around. We started talking again and hanging out and it was nice. It was, what I thought, how cowives should interact. I know I’m new to this and I don’t have any experience on what should be done or should not but you know, two people who will be in each others live should get along. Even though I shouldn’t have been, I was surprised, and hurt, when she disappeared again. I did the same thing, I gave her time and space and let her be. Well, she came back and again same thing, we talked, got together and had a great time. I never treated her any different when she would come back, it would just kind of like pick up right where we left off. I feel like I’m in a relationship with this woman and I guess I kind of am in a way. A cowife type of relationship whatever that is….Well guess what? She’s gone again. Just like that. One day she’s here, the next she’s gone. I never know with her and to be honest I was upset at first but not anymore because you know why? Because this is NOT ABOUT ME (directly). Her actions are a direct correlation to her emotions, just like a roller coaster going up and down. I can see how she can like me (or at least try to like me) one day and then change her mind the next. I don’t blame her, this was not her choice. I wrote yesterday how I chose to practice polygyny and how my husband chose to practice but what about her? She didn’t have a choice and I know that is a huge bulk of the reason of why she acts the way she does. I will never, ever know what she is going through. I know that, I get that. Still, I want to be there for her, comfort her, and I really do care about her despite the fact that I am (indirectly) the source of her pain. This is my dilemma.
Thinking about all of this over and over again I thought maybe it’s not a good idea that we are friends. The whole cowife relationship thing…maybe it does more harm than good. You know that saying out of sight, out of mind? Maybe that is better… I don’t know, Allah knows best. So yesterday I decided I was just going to roll with it. If she wants to talk to me, alhamdulilah and if she doesn’t want to then alhamdulilah too. Well this morning I really wanted to text her. To tell her that I was sorry for any pain that I cause her. To tell her that if she never wanted to see me or speak to me again that it was ok, that I wouldn’t judge her or be mad at her and if she changed her mind down the road that was ok too. I thought about everything I wanted to say the whole way to work but then when I finally got there I changed my mind again. I didn’t want to text her anymore and I still don’t want to. Reading this post, I really do just want to roll with it. There is nothing that I can say to her that will make the situation any better so I’m just going to be quiet. Bismiallah, decision made, dilemma solved alhamdulilah.
The other morning something very interesting happened. It’s interesting now but I was super pissed off when it happened. My husband called me by my cowife’s name. I crack up now remembering the look on his face. He was telling me to wake up for Fajr but said her name on accident. I know it was not intentional, because his whole demeanor completely changed. His voice, his facial expression, everything. “Wrong wife”, I snapped and threw my side of the covers on top of him, stormed out of bed slamming the door to the restroom behind me. Dramatic exit complete. I was furious! How dare he! Many, many, MANY other nasty thoughts occupied my mind but unbelievably in the midst of my anger I was able to ask myself how important was this to me. Was this important enough to start a war so early in the morning and spend the rest of the day miserable? Was it important enough to utter ugly and hurtful words? Was it important enough to lose my sanity? Would I regret the war later? I was confused and upset and didn’t know how the hell I was going to handle this situation. I started to reason with my nafs, who had already declared war the moment her name was mentioned, and pleaded that it put the weapons down and walk away. I cannot be the only one this has happened to and in reality it’s not that big of a deal right? I mean, the man has been with her for many years and it is possible that his brain was on autopilot. It could have happened to anyone. It could have happened at a worse time. I’ve heard stories about couples being intimate with each other and someone saying a wrong name (and they are not even practicing polygyny!). If that could be forgiven surely this could be. I kept on negotiating until I came to the conclusion that it was an honest mistake and I
could had to be rational and forgive him. It was the right thing to do.
Our beloved Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, taught us that “Not one of you can truly believe if you do not want for your brother what you want for yourself.” (Sahih Bukhari) If I was in his place I would have wanted him to forgive me. Taking a step even further, Do I not wish for Allah to forgive me for my mistakes and have mercy on me? I have to be merciful to others If I want Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala to be merciful to me. I decided that I would not make a big deal about it, I wouldn’t start a war. My nafs was UPSET I chose that route. It took everything I had to face him and smile and tell him that it was ok., that I loved him and that he didn’t have to keep apologizing. He made a mistake plain and simple. This is my husband. He’s not out to get me or do things on purpose to hurt me. It was so hard to remember this in that moment but somehow Allah allowed me to remember.
I still think about what happened. I keep thinking about men who practice polygamy and they way they live separate lives that have all of their own details and happenings. How do they do it? How do they keep everything separated? What about those who have 4 wives? 4 different lives being lived all at the same time. Is there a switch for each wife that is constantly being turned on or off? How do these men not develop mental disorders like multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia? It’s just too much if you really start to think about it. It kind of makes me want to cut my husband a little more slack, kind of but not really because at the end of the day it was still a choice that he made. Men are not forced to practice polygyny, they choose to. I chose to. My cowife…(that’s another story for another post). Anyways, I’m curious to see if any studies have been done about it or at least if anyone has wondered the same thing. Rightly so, a lot of focus is placed on the women involved in polygyny, especially the first wife. I haven’t really came across anything that focuses on the psychological effects of polygyny on the man. It’s times like this I wish people who practice would speak up and share their stories…what better way to learn?
Alhamdulilah, I couldn’t have said it better myself…
“You keep running after the love of the people, but you’ll never get it. And what you do get, will never be enough. The hole inside you is too big. You see, it was made by God, for God. How could anything less fill it?” -Yasmine Mogahed
Every time I’m disappointed, every time my heart breaks, every time I break down it is exactly because of Yasmine’s quote above. Every.single.time. You see the problem is that when I count on something that does not have the power to deliver, disappointment and heart-break is inevitable. Whenever I count on someone or something other than Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala I am taking a risk and that risk has consequences. It might come through or it might not. Whether it does or does not is strictly up to Allah.
So why is it that despite the fact of knowing this, I continue to place my hopes and dreams in these people or things? Why do I continue to place my bet on dunya, so to speak, knowing there is a HUGE chance I am going to lose? Nothing compares to the wisdom Allah provides. Allah the most high says in the Qur’an:
“O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic drinks), and gambling, and Al-Ansaab, and Al-Azlaam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination of Shaytaan’s (Satan’s) handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful. Shaytaan (Satan) wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from As-Salaah (the prayer). So, will you not then abstain?”[al-Maa’idah 5:90-91]
Gambling is not exclusive to Las Vegas casinos. The moment I start depending on someone other than Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, I’m placing my bet on dunya openly inviting shaytaan to wreak havoc in my life. Dependency on other than Allah, leads to disappointment which leads to hurt feelings which leads to arguments which leads to saying hurtful things (that I will most definitely regret later) and so on and so forth. I think you get my point. “So, will you not then abstain?” How many bets do I have to lose to realize that dunya will never win? When am I going to understand that Allah az wa jal is a SURE WINNER? Every.single.time. No betting needed.
“So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful. Shaytaan (Satan) wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from As-Salaah (the prayer). So, will you not then abstain?”
I ask Allah to guide all of my brothers and sisters, as well as myself, so that we may be successful and for the strength to never allow anything to come between Him and us. Ameen!
There comes a point in time when you have to stop talking and start praying. You can only tell a person the same thing over and over and over again so many times until you breakdown. Today I brokedown and reached that point. While my husband is an amazing person with great character at the end of the day he is still human and human = flaws. The good in him outweighs the bad by the tons, but shaytaan is pure evil with the keen ability to make me forget the good in the moments I need to remember them most. So inshaallah, I’m going to stop talking and start praying, stop counting on dunya and start counting only on Allah az wa jal. Ya Allah! Grant me the wisdom and strength to choose only the best of words when I speak. Ameen!