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Cowife update

I got a text from cowife yesterday..finally. It was nothing personal, just strictly passing along some beneficial information. I feel like it’s the same as her not contacting me at all. Am I so delusional that I actually thought we were going to be friends? Confession: I want to throw a full-blown temper tantrum on the floor kicking my legs, pounding my fists, the whole bit. I want to tell her ” Why can’t we just be friends??!?!?!?” I want to tell her to get over it. To tell her that I’m not going anywhere and that whether she likes it or not I’m going to be in her life so lets just make the most of it. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh. 😐 There is no way in dunya I’m telling her any of that, but there’s no harm in wishing is there? I know we do not have to be friends. We don’t have to have dinner together or go shopping together, we just have to be respectful towards each other and Allah knows best. I know I’m wanting, asking, for too much too soon. I’m being selfish. And then there is always that saying ” Be careful what you wish for.” Allah knows best and maybe its better for both of us that we are not friends. I can only imagine what she is going through, the strength it must take to be nice to me and here I am wanting her to be my BFF. Double sighhhhhhhhh. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala  guides whom He wills and He knows best. Everything happens because it is His will, so if He wants us to be friends we will. If not, we won’t. I am letting this go starting now inshaallah.

On a more positive note, my husband spoke with her on the phone in front of me recently (this had never happened before) and alhumdulilah no bad feelings came out of it. I mean why should it? I know he only did it out of necessity and inshaallah I hope that she extends the same courtesy should I ever need to speak with him and he is with her.

-K

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6 responses to “Cowife update

  1. From what it sounds like, this whole situation is new to her, and it will take a LOT of time for her to adjust. She isn’t under any obligation to “make the most of it” and get used to the idea of you being around, especially not any time soon. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but try to put yourself in her shoes a bit.
    Give her time, give her space, and (since I’m guessing she is the first wife and isn’t too excited about the new arrangement…feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) let HER dictate the terms of the relationship. She will come around if and when she’s ready.

    • You’re 1000% right. She is the first wife and she is NOT happy about it. You don’t sound harsh, you sound truthful and honest. I do want to give her time and space and let her decide when to come around if she wants to come around. I’ve started a million a texts to her and then always end up erasing them. I want to leave that ball in her court. I don’t want to push her or add even more to what shes going through. I just have to remember not to feel bad if she decides to come around and then disappears again. Thank you for the comment, its exactly what I needed to hear. 🙂

  2. Ursula

    I will immediately grab your rss feed as I can’t find your email subscription link or newsletter service. Do you have any? Please let me know so that I could subscribe. Thanks.

  3. Norah ⋅

    Salam alaykum. Ramadan kareem. I wanna give you my two cents real quick….you had a say on marrying your husband and becoming his second wife. Your husband had a say. The only person in the situation who did not have say is her, the first wife. How will you feel if your husband takes a third? You still wanna be BFFs with her sister? Have some sympathy and compassion for your sister in Islam, even if that means not talking to her… hope this does not sound harsh, but its the truth. You are not considering her feelings, just yours.

    • Walaykum AsSalaam Warahmatullah, Ramadan Mubarak!

      Thank you for stopping by, please feel free to always do so and your comment is not harsh. I cannot control my husband’s actions; all I can do is control my own actions. I understand she is upset about the situation ALLAH has placed her in. I did not make polygyny permissible, Allah did. I understand where you are coming from and I do respect my cowife and don’t talk to her when she doesn’t want to. We are not talking right now as a matter of fact (mostly because she has a lot going on right now). If my husband were to take a 3rd wife of course I would want to be her friend, why not? Even if he didn’t tell me about her until after they got married. I cannot be mad at her, it’s not her fault. I know exactly how she would feel as I was/am in the same position. I feel that I do consider her feelings since I respect her wishes and back off even though I don’t agree with it and feel likes it’s a complete waste of time and constantly sets our relationship back. If I were to not give her any space by continuing to call, text, etc then I would say that I’m not taking her into consideration. Everyone handles things differently and we have to respect each other as cowives and sister in Islam. With that being said….
      What about the following hadith:
      It is not permissible to forsake a Muslim, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a man to forsake his Muslim brother for more than three days, each of them turning away from the other when they meet. The better of them is the one who gives the greeting of salaam first.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5727; Muslim, 2560).
      We are sister in Islam, that hadith still applies to us regardless if we are cowives right? There have been many times where those 3 days turn into much longer time periods and times when it doesn’t even reach 3 days. I fully know and understand that I cannot make anyone do anything they don’t want to. If she doesn’t want to talk to me it’s ok, I just want to be able to say at least I tried when Allah asks me on the Day of Judgment.

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