Death of MY OWN polygyny blog!

Well it happened. Exactly what I promised myself I wouldn’t do if I ever started a blog. I started and then I stopped. While I hate that it happened I do have a good reason kind of..in sha Allah. TOO MANY EMOTIONS. Running wild all over the place from both my cowife and myself. One day she talks to me, one day she doesn’t. One day she has accepted Allah’s plan, the next day she changes her mind. This has now been going on for a while and to be quite honest I am so over it. I love the woman to death, she is my sister in Islam, she is my cowife, I would do anything for her and I have done many things for her. On the same note I can only take so much mind changing. I know a lot of people will not agree with me and that is totally ok, but I need a ride or die cowife. What do I mean by that? I mean that I need her to understand and accept that the reason she is in this situation is only because it’s Allah’s plan. ALLAH and only Allah, not me. I don’t mean to sound harsh or insensitive because that is not who I am. I am a Muslim living in the United States, trying to follow my deen, trying to be a good daughter, sister, wife, etc in an environment constantly surrounded by fitnah and I need my family (I consider her my family even if the feeling is not mutual) to be on board 100% so that we may be successful! Successful = Jannah! Not accepting the situations that Allah places us in does nothing for no one. Obviously my current issue is the fact that my cowife does not want to accept polygyny. She likes me as a person and has told me that I am a great cowife to her, but she cannot accept polygyny. I feel that polygyny and I go hand in hand. I am only one person so naturally as much as she wants to separate me as a person and me as a cowife, its never going to happen. Her not accepting poloygyny is an extension of her not accepting me. If you don’t accept me, then don’t pretend to be my friend and care about me. I told her to not expect me to be there for her if she kept disappearing on me. Then I decided that was not right thing to do. I will be there for her even if she’s not there for me and maybe Allah will reward be for my patience. Rant over. I was not even going to write about that but it just came out alhamdulilah. If there are any other current, past or future cowives out there, PLEASE! send me a message. Let’s talk about whatever issues you’re going through.

Oh yea! I forgot I need to take care of myself

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I have been feeling particularly crappy lately and at first I was blaming Cowife drama but I can confess now that its not. My salat is dragging and I have been eating horribly! And forget about exercise… Ughhhhh…. I need to do something..being a newly wed doesn’t help either… No excuses. I need to eat clean and be more physically active. Besides, it’s Sunnah!

The Messenger of Allah peace and blessings be upon him used to eat enough to keep him going, but no so much as to make him fat. Ibn ’Umar related that the Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, “The believer eats in one stomach whilst the disbeliever eats in seven.”Related by al-Bukhaaree (no. 5081) and Muslim (no. 2060).

He taught his Ummah something to protect them from diseases caused by eating and drinking. He said, “The son of Adam does not fill any vessel worse than his stomach. It is sufficient for the son of Aadam to eat a few mouthfuls, to keep him going. If he must do that (fill his stomach), then let him fill one third with food, one third with drink and one third with air.” Saheeh: Related by at-Tirmidhee (no. 1381)and Ibn Maajah (no. 3349). It was authenticated by Shaykh Muhammad Naasirud-Deen al-Albaanee in Silsilatul-Ahaadeethus-Saheehah (no. 2265).

If I could just follow that, I’d be good :)
I cannot imagine working out in hijab lol so I’m going to come up with some @ home training program I won’t get bored of. Please feel free to share any work out/healthy eating tips! I’ll post anything interesting I find.

Ya Allah, please make us amongst those that can affirm they took care of the body you gave us when we are questioned about it on the day of judgement. Ameen!
-K

Decisions & Dilemmas

Ok, so I’ve been delaying this post simply because I keep changing my mind. Yesterday my mind had made a decision on how to feel and now today I’m not so sure…maybe writing it all out will let me finally settle on one path. Then again maybe I’m not meant to follow just one part on this issue, Allah knows best. Here goes nothing.

My cowife… –sigh– So last time I wrote about us she had stopped talking to me all of sudden. I gave her plenty of space and decided to just let her be and come around again whenever she was ready and wanted to. After a while she did actually come around. We started talking again and hanging out and it was nice. It was, what I thought, how cowives should interact. I know I’m new to this and I don’t have any experience on what should be done or should not but you know, two people who will be in each others live should get along. Even though I shouldn’t have been, I was surprised, and hurt, when she disappeared again. I did the same thing, I gave her time and space and let her be. Well, she came back and again same thing, we talked, got together and had a great time. I never treated her any different when she would come back, it would just kind of like pick up right where we left off. I feel like I’m in a relationship with this woman and I guess I kind of am in a way. A cowife type of relationship whatever that is….Well guess what? She’s gone again. Just like that. One day she’s here, the next she’s gone. I never know with her and to be honest I was upset at first but not anymore because you know why? Because this is NOT ABOUT ME (directly). Her actions are a direct correlation to her emotions, just like a roller coaster going up and down. I can see how she can like me (or at least try to like me) one day and then change her mind the next. I don’t blame her, this was not her choice. I wrote yesterday how I chose to practice polygyny and how my husband chose to practice but what about her? She didn’t have a choice and I know that is a huge bulk of the reason of why she acts the way she does. I will never, ever know what she is going through. I know that, I get that. Still, I want to be there for her, comfort her, and I really do care about her despite the fact that I am (indirectly) the source of her pain. This is my dilemma.

Thinking about all of this over and over again I thought maybe it’s not a good idea that we are friends. The whole cowife relationship thing…maybe it does more harm than good. You know that saying out of sight, out of mind? Maybe that is better… I don’t know, Allah knows best. So yesterday I decided I was just going to roll with it. If she wants to talk to me, alhamdulilah and if she doesn’t want to then alhamdulilah too. Well this morning I really wanted to text her. To tell her that I was sorry for any pain that I cause her. To tell her that if she never wanted to see me or speak to me again that it was ok, that I wouldn’t judge her or be mad at her and if she changed her mind down the road that was ok too. I thought about everything I wanted to say the whole way to work but then when I finally got there I changed my mind again. I didn’t want to text her anymore and I still don’t want to. Reading this post, I really do just want to roll with it. There is nothing that I can say to her that will make the situation any better so I’m just going to be quiet. Bismiallah, decision made, dilemma solved alhamdulilah.

-K

Sorry, wrong wife

The other morning something very interesting happened. It’s interesting now but I was super pissed off when it happened. My husband called me by my cowife’s name. I crack up now remembering the look on his face. He was telling me to wake up for Fajr but said her name on accident. I know it was not intentional, because his whole demeanor completely changed. His voice, his facial expression, everything. “Wrong wife”, I snapped and threw my side of the covers on top of him, stormed out of bed slamming the door to the restroom behind me. Dramatic exit complete. I was furious! How dare he! Many, many, MANY other nasty thoughts occupied my mind but unbelievably in the midst of my anger I was able to ask myself how important was this to me. Was this important enough to start a war so early in the morning and spend the rest of the day miserable? Was it important enough to utter ugly and hurtful words? Was it important enough to lose my sanity? Would I regret the war later? I was confused and upset and didn’t know how the hell I was going to handle this situation. I started to reason with my nafs, who had already declared war the moment her name was mentioned, and pleaded that it put the weapons down and walk away. I cannot be the only one this has happened to and in reality it’s not that big of a deal right? I mean, the man has been with her for many years and it is possible that his brain was on autopilot. It could have happened to anyone. It could have happened at a worse time. I’ve heard stories about couples being intimate with each other and someone saying a wrong name (and they are not even practicing polygyny!). If that could be forgiven surely this could be. I kept on negotiating until I came to the conclusion that it was an honest mistake and I could had to be rational and forgive him. It was the right thing to do.

Our beloved Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, taught us that “Not one of you can truly believe if you do not want for your brother what you want for yourself.” (Sahih Bukhari) If I was in his place I would have wanted him to forgive me. Taking a step even further, Do I not wish for Allah to forgive me for my mistakes and have mercy on me? I have to be merciful to others If I want Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala to be merciful to me. I decided that I would not make a big deal about it, I wouldn’t start a war. My nafs was UPSET I chose that route. It took everything I had to face him and smile and tell him that it was ok., that I loved him and that he didn’t have to keep apologizing. He made a mistake plain and simple. This is my husband. He’s not out to get me or do things on purpose to hurt me. It was so hard to remember this in that moment but somehow Allah allowed me to remember.

I still think about what happened. I keep thinking about men who practice polygamy and they way they live separate lives that have all of their own details and happenings. How do they do it? How do they keep everything separated? What about those who have 4 wives? 4 different lives being lived all at the same time. Is there a switch for each wife that is constantly being turned on or off? How do these men not develop mental disorders like multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia? It’s just too much if you really start to think about it. It kind of makes me want to cut my husband a little more slack, kind of but not really because at the end of the day it was still a choice that he made. Men are not forced to practice polygyny, they choose to. I chose to. My cowife…(that’s another story for another post). Anyways, I’m curious to see if any studies have been done about it or at least if anyone has wondered the same thing. Rightly so, a lot of focus is placed on the women involved in polygyny, especially the first wife. I haven’t really came across anything that focuses on the psychological effects of polygyny on the man. It’s times like this I wish people who practice would speak up and share their stories…what better way to learn?

-K

Breakdown

“You keep running after the love of the people, but you’ll never get it. And what you do get, will never be enough. The hole inside you is too big. You see, it was made by God, for God. How could anything less fill it?” -Yasmine Mogahed

Every time I’m disappointed, every time my heart breaks, every time I break down it is exactly because of Yasmine’s quote above. Every.single.time. You see the problem is that when I count on something that does not have the power to deliver, disappointment and heart-break is inevitable. Whenever I count on someone or something other than Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala I am taking a risk and that risk has consequences. It might come through or it might not. Whether it does or does not is strictly up to Allah.

So why is it that despite the fact of knowing this, I continue to place my hopes and dreams in these people or things? Why do I continue to place my bet on dunya, so to speak, knowing there is a HUGE chance I am going to lose? Nothing compares to the wisdom Allah provides. Allah the most high says in the Qur’an:

“O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic drinks), and gambling, and Al-Ansaab, and Al-Azlaam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination of Shaytaan’s (Satan’s) handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful. Shaytaan (Satan) wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from As-Salaah (the prayer). So, will you not then abstain?”[al-Maa’idah 5:90-91]

Gambling is not exclusive to Las Vegas casinos.  The moment I start depending on someone other than Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, I’m placing my bet on dunya openly inviting shaytaan to wreak havoc in my life. Dependency on other than Allah, leads to disappointment which leads to hurt feelings which leads to arguments which leads to saying hurtful things (that I will most definitely regret later) and so on and so forth. I think you get my point. “So, will you not then abstain?” How many bets do I have to lose to realize that dunya will never win? When am I going to understand that Allah az wa jal is a SURE WINNER? Every.single.time. No betting needed.

“So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful. Shaytaan (Satan) wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from As-Salaah (the prayer). So, will you not then abstain?”

I ask Allah to guide all of my brothers and sisters, as well as myself, so that we may be successful and for the strength to never allow anything to come between Him and us. Ameen!

There comes a point in time when you have to stop talking and start praying. You can only tell a person the same thing over and over and over again so many times until you breakdown. Today I brokedown and reached that point.  While my husband is an amazing person with great character at the end of the day he is still human and human = flaws. The good in him outweighs the bad by the tons, but shaytaan is pure evil with the keen ability to make me forget the good in the moments I need to remember them most. So inshaallah, I’m going to stop talking and start praying, stop counting on dunya and start counting only on Allah az wa jal. Ya Allah! Grant me the wisdom and strength to choose only the best of words when I speak. Ameen!

Here.We.Go.

So today is Halloween which for me falls under the category of ridiculous holiday and alhamdullilah Muslims do not celebrate ridiculous holidays fabricated by commerce for the sole purpose of squeezing every penny you have out of your pocket and into their cash registers.  With that being said all of my non-Muslim family celebrates these ridiculous holidays and this will be the first year for me of going through the ” No thank you, I don’t celebrate (insert ridiculous holiday name here).” My head hurts already. My family is big on asking questions and giving their opinions especially when it’s not solicited.

I view Halloween as the starting point of the holiday season for my family which goes a little something like this: Halloween. Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and Easter brings up the rear. Every month its something. I define a holiday as any day where getting together, eating and spending lots of money is encouraged and required which applies to every single one of those days I just mentioned, in my family anyways. Unbeknownst to them, I will be slowly but surely trying to convince them to cease and desist from this madness. Alhumdulilah my opinion is always taken into consideration in my family council so I need to take advantage of that and come up with ways to let them know that what they do is INSANE without insulting them or making them feel bad.

My first victory of the season: They wanted to spend money on new costumes for today and I suggested they just reuse the ones from last year (that were only used for a few hours, not even a whole day!) and trick or treat in a different neighborhood. They accepted alhamdullilah.

Confession: I’m waging war against any acts that require the unnecessary spending of hard-earned money and create a burden in the lives of the people I love. Holidays beware.

Cowife update

I got a text from cowife yesterday..finally. It was nothing personal, just strictly passing along some beneficial information. I feel like it’s the same as her not contacting me at all. Am I so delusional that I actually thought we were going to be friends? Confession: I want to throw a full-blown temper tantrum on the floor kicking my legs, pounding my fists, the whole bit. I want to tell her ” Why can’t we just be friends??!?!?!?” I want to tell her to get over it. To tell her that I’m not going anywhere and that whether she likes it or not I’m going to be in her life so lets just make the most of it. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh. :| There is no way in dunya I’m telling her any of that, but there’s no harm in wishing is there? I know we do not have to be friends. We don’t have to have dinner together or go shopping together, we just have to be respectful towards each other and Allah knows best. I know I’m wanting, asking, for too much too soon. I’m being selfish. And then there is always that saying ” Be careful what you wish for.” Allah knows best and maybe its better for both of us that we are not friends. I can only imagine what she is going through, the strength it must take to be nice to me and here I am wanting her to be my BFF. Double sighhhhhhhhh. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala  guides whom He wills and He knows best. Everything happens because it is His will, so if He wants us to be friends we will. If not, we won’t. I am letting this go starting now inshaallah.

On a more positive note, my husband spoke with her on the phone in front of me recently (this had never happened before) and alhumdulilah no bad feelings came out of it. I mean why should it? I know he only did it out of necessity and inshaallah I hope that she extends the same courtesy should I ever need to speak with him and he is with her.

-K

Reality Check

This week is going to be interesting. We are still trying out different schedules to see what works best and this week will be the longest I won’t see my husband :(  but I will get him back for the same number of days so that’s at least something to look forward to. :) I do have to confess that as much as I try to be positive about my situation, I hate not being with my husband and there are times when my over thinking gets the best of me and I wonder what the hell did I get myself in to, If I even made the right choice. Polygyny is HARD. It has taken my patience, emotions, my mind to limits I had never reached before and the fact that this is just the beginning of my marriage scares the crap out of me. Where will I be, how will I feel/think 1 year from now? 5? Allah knows best. I was listening to a lecture that mentioned how men were away at war during the Khalifa of Umar ibn Al-Khaatab, radiallahu anhu, for long periods of time and due to the distress this caused their wives, he set a time limit of 4 months as the maximum amount of time a husband could be gone from his wife and Allah knows best. 4 months!!! AND they didn’t even want to come back because they were gone fisabilillah, for the sake of Allah. SubhanAllah I’m over here distressed over a few measly days and these women were really going through it… may Allah have mercy on us all. Sometimes A lot of times I need a reality check.

I do have a tons of things that I need to be doing with all my “free time” though and I really need to get it together inshaAllah. This is my list:

1. Practice reading Qu’ran (should be doing this all the time really)

2. Practice cooking

3. Excercise of some sort

4.Practice sewing (I’m dying to make my own abaya but that is another post for later ;) )

5. Practice my blogging

Ok so maybe I don’t have as many things to do as I thought..lol. Well at least its a start. I have to make sure that I balance my life between my marriage and other activities that will bring me benefit, make me happy and feel fulfilled. Before I accepted Islam, all of my relationships consisted of only the well-being of the other person. Everything, and I mean everything revolved around them and their happiness. Obviously, none of those relationships worked. Now Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala has placed me in a situation where I am forced to balance my life and I need to take the opportunity to take care of myself and not focus on my husband so much that it becomes unhealthy. Now with all that being said I need to read and practice what I write lol. May Allah guide me and make it easy for me. Ameen!